Reflection is key for the growth of knowledge. I firmly believe this, yet for one reason or another, often times find myself avoiding it at all costs. Probably because reflection hurts sometimes, be it the very literal reflection in the mirror after a long night of various and sundry activities or the figurative examination of the soul under a harsh white light.
So here I am after a long Monday. A very long Monday filled with fires to put out left and right, challenges to overcome every five minutes, and spills to clean up. And that's just with my classroom of 5-8 year olds! I'm feeling filled with worries right now, about my past actions and how they will affect people, about my current situation, and for things far off into the future.
1. I worry that I am too selfish. I know that sometimes I don't give my husband enough of my attention, I don't call my friends often enough, and I don't think outside of my immediate circle of life very often. Part of the reason I joined AmeriCorps was to get outside of myself a bit, but I still don't feel that I've done enough. I berate my husband sometimes for not congratulating me on a wonderful dinner or for not understanding how hard I work at my 2 jobs (or 3, or 4, or 5 jobs, depending upon the time of year). But I do the same thing to him all the time. I am a hypocrite in this matter and I don't like it. There have been so many times recently when I've caught myself ready to say "you have a good day too" when someone has said the same to me only to stop short. Why don't I say it? Because deep down I feel that I'm owed a "good day" and this person is not? Because I don't say it right away and then think the person will think it stupid if I say it later? Certainly this is an awful position to hold either way you look at it. I just need to say it. Better late than never.
2. I worry that I don't have enough gratitude. Caveat: I'm not a religious person. I explain this because I feel that--perhaps rightly so--religion demands of its followers gratitude for the things that God provides. So I don't have this ready made structure in my life that elicits gratitude from me. Even so, I am thankful for all I have--my family, friends, home, job, nature--but I know I don't show it enough. I hardly ever send thank you cards for ordinary gifts, except under certain circumstances which dictate they be sent (weddings, showers, etc.) I hardly ever take a moment in my day to think about all I have, to wonder at how I've gotten to the point in my life, and to ponder on the mysteries of nature's cycle, an idea I keep coming back to for its simple beauty. And then there's the difference between real gratitude and "fake" gratitude. Like when I tell my students "thank you" for behaving the right way. Yes, it's helpful when they do start behaving, but all the while I'm thinking "well you should have been behaving in the first place, punk!" So my heart's not in it as much as it can or should be.
3. I worry that I'm not going to be a good parent someday, if my present performance in the classroom today is any indication. I had one student who defied every word I said, every action I took. All he was looking for, I realize, was attention. And what did I do? I gave it to him every step of the way. I gave him exactly what he wanted and what he didn't need. I couldn't ignore his behavior and instead tried to control it, or rather get him to control it. And this whole exchange between him and I backfired. And it sucks knowing that I failed him today. Frankly, my inability to ignore him showed a lack of self-control on my part, something I'm not very happy admitting.
I feel ugly inside right now. Like I have turned into this giant monster with four heads and creeping snake hair, part-ogre and part-Medusa. Surely, this is how my students must see me on a regular basis.
Now comes the hard part--changing my own behavior to act upon my worries. Perhaps I can start with one very small but worthwhile step:
"Thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me to know that you are listening."
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